Heartbreak–the pain you feel when you lose someone or something very special, or when a relationship ends, can feel like grief. In fact, some people experience similar grief reactions after a breakup, to those grieving the death of a loved one (Field, 2011). A universal concept, the same words are used to describe both the physical pain and the emotions associated with the loss of a relationship, cross-culturally.

The end of a relationship hurts. Even if the decision is mutual, breakups are painful as both parties endure the process of rebuilding their lives, without their partner.

It can be especially painful for the partner on the receiving end of a breakup to be the one who is “broken up with”. However, making the decision to end a relationship can also be an emotionally difficult experience; struggling with uncertainty can take a significant toll on one’s mental health.

Breakups can be tough on everyone involved, including the couples’ family and friends. Often, couples have built bonds with members of each other’s families and are saddened to leave these relationships behind.

Sometimes, breakups seem to happen when you least expect it.  Other times, it can seem as though the relationship was gradually breaking up until it reached a relationship expiration date.

Some individuals say they “saw it coming” but hoped for a different outcome. For other couples, the end of a relationship may bring relief.  When a relationship feels like a burden, breaking up may actually feel liberating.

Breakups are difficult, regardless of whether or not they are expected. A breakup signifies the end of a chapter in one’s life. A chapter that was created with a significant other around shared experiences, adventures, memories, and dreams of a future together.

There is an old saying, “time heals all wounds”. This reminds us that eventually there will be a sense of closure. In time, we begin to recognize opportunities and begin a new chapter. We start to acknowledge, once again, our capacity to give and receive love and care. As we incorporate the powerful lessons we have learned about loss and resilience, we grow from the experience.

The Heartbreak Rollercoaster

When experiencing a breakup, it’s important to remember to be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to think or feel. You may not always know how you will react when a relationship ends, and the emotions may be overwhelming. This is a part of the normal grieving process.

Allow yourself to feel and ride the “Heartbreak Rollercoaster” of emotion, which may fluctuate and at times feel overwhelming and intense.

How a breakup is experienced is unique to each individual and each relationship. A relationship that ends after only a few short weeks can sometimes feel more painful for a person than a breakup after several years. Important relationships in our lives affect us in different ways.

Imagining a life without the one you love can be difficult, but in time, your heart will heal.

Coping with Breakups

Having the courage to face your feelings after a breakup is a great first step to healing, but it is equally important to maintain some consistent daily structure.

Focus on doing what you can to ensure that your emotions don’t take the lead or reach the point where you feel like you are losing control of your life.

It’s common to experience a variety of intense and overwhelming emotions after a breakup and learning how to manage these feelings is an important step during the healing process.

While retreating from the world and staying in bed all day may seem like an option, the status of your relationship will not change while you are lying in bed. Using coping strategies can enable you to respond to intense feelings. As you become aware of these feelings, coping strategies can help you to prevent grief from taking away from other areas of your life.

What coping strategies have you found helpful during other difficult moments in the past? Think about what has helped you and if those strategies are not enough, don’t be afraid to try something new.

Below is a list of things you can do to help you cope during a breakup:

Breakup Self-Care Ideas

• Create your own “Breakup Kit” (see instructions below)
• Start journaling. Express your feelings through writing, drawing or collaging. In the future, you can look back and reflect on your healing process and self-growth.
• Take up a new hobby or learn a new skill that you have always been interested in. Need some help getting started? Check out Skill Share for free classes on everything including interior design, creative writing, music, art, photography and so much more.
• Sweat out your feelings through physical exercise. Your mind, body and soul will thank you.
• Bake away your heartbreak. They say that the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach. So, show your heart some love with some homemade heartbreak cookies.
• Show some love to your furry friends. Petting your pooch or kitty is bound to put a smile on your face. At the very least, you will be rewarded with cuddles.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone to talk with. Reach out to a friend or family member.
• Reach out to a counsellor or a therapist. Sometimes talking to a mental health professional can help you sort through your emotions and help to come up with effective coping strategies.

Yorktown Family Services offers free phone-in mental health counselling five days a week. We hear from hundreds of youth and young adults so don’t hesitate to contact us. You can access the weekly schedule by visiting our website or by calling the main phone line at 416-669-3521.

Breakup Kit Instructions

• Get an empty shoe box.
• Find materials, activities, techniques or strategies that help you to de-stress and feel good, and store them in the box. Some ideas include: Inspirational quotes, games, music, books, a spa kit, a journal
• Ask three of your friends what coping strategies they found helpful after their breakups. Maybe you will also find some of them useful and add them to your Breakup Kit.
• Keep your Breakup Kit handy and, should the time ever come, pass it on to a friend in-need.

References:

Field, T. (2011). Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak and Bereavement—Romantic Breakups. Psychology, 02(04), 382-387. doi:10.4236/psych.2011.24060