Grieving Families Remember Mom

For grieving people, special days like Mother’s Day can be difficult, bringing feelings of grief to the surface for the whole family. Grief is dynamic and changes over time. Some years we may want to  acknowledge the occasion, be with others, and share memories. Other years we may want to avoid it altogether, as it may feel too painful or complicated. And sometimes it may feel hard to determine what will feel right. Even though special days on the calendar can feel difficult, they also serve as important opportunities to check in with yourself and your family to see what makes sense for you this year. These days can be a time to remember the person who died and identify what support would feel welcome.

In this blog post we’re going to provide some tips to help support young people grieving the death of a mother, step mother or custodial caregiver in navigating Mother’s Day at school and at home. Please know that whatever a young person chooses for their Mother’s Day, there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way way to approach Mother’s Day. 

Tips on Supporting a Young Griever at School

• A lot of worries can be dispelled by having a conversation with the child about upcoming days/events beforehand. Sharing information, talking through options and discussing what feels right can help create calm and confidence. 
• Start with asking questions: Does your child  know if their classes are doing anything for Mother’s Day? If so, how do they feel about that? Do they have any worries or questions? Would they like to participate or prefer not to participate in activities? Do the teachers, coaches, and other adults they’ll be interacting with for Mother’s Day know that they’ve experienced the death of someone in their life? Would they like help communicating that beforehand?
• Depending on the child, they may be wondering about their place within a classroom that is participating in Mother’s Day activities. ‘Does this still apply to me?’ This wondering can, itself lead to challenging emotions like anxiety and worry. If this is the case, reassure your child that their mother will always be their mother, and they can be celebrated on Mother’s Day if that’s what they choose.
• Many Mother’s Day activities involve making something to give to Mom. Let them know they can still make an item for Mom or choose to make it for someone else – a grandmother, aunt, sister, father, brother, neighbour, whomever they choose.
• If the child does not wish to participate in Mother’s Day activities or it becomes overwhelming for them to participate, is there a place at school they can go? Is there a friend that can go with them? Can they stay home if they wish to?
• With the child’s permission, relay their choices to the appropriate teachers and school administrators. Give them a heads-up that your child may need to take a break from Mother’s Day activities or refrain altogether. Let the teacher know that grief can manifest in different ways, and the child may seem more withdrawn, daydreamy, disconnected, or perhaps more emotional, restless, or irritable on this day. Be sure to ask the teachers and administrators to respect the child’s privacy and not to single them out for their loss.

Supporting Young Grievers at Home

Grief is a natural part of life. We can support our children by showing that we’re not afraid to talk about grief or days like Mother’s Day.  It can be hard to start a conversation. Children and adolescents are looking to their adults to see if this is a topic that can be spoken about. We empathize with how difficult it can be to start a conversation, and adults can support young grievers by initiating the conversation. Through conversations we can learn what might feel right for everyone in the household. Everyone has their own unique grief journey. Even people within the same family will grieve differently and have different needs. We encourage families to talk about all the possibilities of what they can do with their day and try to include each person’s idea in some way. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to do Mother’s Day.

Ways to start the conversation…

“Mother’s Day is coming up. How are you feeling about it? How would we like to approach Mother’s Day this year? What do you feel comfortable with or uncomfortable with? What would you like to change? What would you like to keep the same?

Mark the Day with Others Going Through a Similar Experience

One way you might choose to mark the occasion of Mother’s Day is with us, at Growing With Grief! We’re hosting a Family Event on May 8th where young people and their families who have experienced the death of a mother, step mother or custodial caregiver can all be together and feel less alone. At this event you and your child or children will have the opportunity to meet people who are going through something similar. It can be a great opportunity to talk with others, offer and receive understanding, and perhaps gain a helpful piece of wisdom from sharing in someone else’s grief journey.

At this event we’re going to be making Memory Gardens. For this activity families will get to choose a plant to take home, decorate the pot and fill it–not just with soil, but with memories, wishes, and feelings about their person. Just as our relationship with the person who has died continues, so too will this plant grow with all that we put inside the pot to nurture it. 

This is a great way for families to grieve together, to share memories and stories, and to know that they are not alone.  

After attending this event one caregiver expressed that it’s “a great way to connect with lost loved ones & other families”. A child who attended told us that they learned “that I can always express my feelings out. No matter what. Also that I can share great things about my mom.”

You can register for our Mother’s Day event on event on Eventbrite by May 3rd.

For any additional questions please reach out to chantalf@yorktownfamilyservice.com